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Listen to the Episode

Recording Script


SFX A CD-ROM is placed in a CD-ROM drive.

SFX Quid Pro Euro 96 launch music.

GUIDE: Would you like to start a NEW GAME or LOAD an existing game?

SFX Mouse Click.

GUIDE: You have

SFX CD Whirr


SFX CD Whirr

GUIDE: Saved games!

SFX Mouse click.

SFX Loading.

SFX Prison gate opens

It’s a prison!

SFX Electric floodlights

Such a big building. And what are these tiny railway tracks going all around it?

SFX A miniature train pulls up

There’s a little train to take us on a tour. That’s very exciting! Shall we get on?

SFX Click


SFX Train start

I hope we don’t get travel-sick! Now, don’t be surprised as we enter the third dimension!

SFX Train speeds up

Music: 3D MUSIC!

Here we goooo!

This must be the courtyard where the prisoners take their exercise. And those are the watchtowers where the prisoners take their watches.

Ohhh… the tracks lead up and all along them! Hope you’re not afraid of heights.

SFX We climb the tracks

Wow, look at the view! That’s a keeper. I must say, these rows of barbed wire are very neat. Good work, prison architects. Oh! We’re coming up to the back of the floodlight. I’ve never seen the back of a floodlight. It’s water-powered! Of course. And look, the track goes under it so it’s sailing down on a beautiful bright river.

Down we gooo!

SFX We descend the tracks

And straight into the entrance hall. There’s a list of names on the wall, I wonder who they are, and that’s the sign-in desk for handing in your clothes, and this is where you pick up a smart orange uniform.

SFX Tracks go into a corridor

Oh! A long corridor! Listen, while we’re on the ride, I want to apologise. Frankly, I should be in prison! Although this one’s so nice, I don’t think I’d mind. I’ve done such a bad job helping you; I don’t know if we’ll ever get off the island.

SFX Tracks go through a bathroom

WOAH, the showers! Fantastic grouting!

SFX Back to the corridor

As I was saying, listen, I promised I’d help you build a boat so we could leave but there’s so much to do! What’s the point of putting one foot in front of the other if you’re walking on the spot?

SFX We go through a kitchen

Hey, this is a kitchen! Looks, it’s got all desks in it, it must be a teaching kitchen! Wouldn’t you like to learn how to make pasta in prison?

SFX Back in a corridor

Anyway, I’m sorry. You don’t need to hear me moan. And I think we’re coming to our stooooop.

SFX Trains slows down with a screech and music stops

SFX CD Whirr

ATMOS Main hall

It’s a pause in the ride so we can explore. I hope the 3D wasn’t too scary, and that you remembered to put on the 3D glasses included in the box. You can take them off now.

Goodness gracious, this prison is rather nice! It’s got big posters on the walls showing the four virtues of good prisoners. Cleanliness, Manners, Hard Work and Not Escaping.

We’re in a big rectangular space with stairs climbing up the outside. There are… four landings and cells all around the walls. Shall we look at a cell?

SFX Click.

SFX Yes.

SFX CD Whirr


Imagine waking up here. Every day. For years. There’s a bunk bed, they’re so much fun! I hate the top bunk.

Here are some bedsheets, all natural fibres! Here’s a toothbrush, a packet of disposable razors, some lipstick, a little compact mirror, and a selection of toys for ages five to twelve. Anyone can go to prison!

And on the wall in the corner, there’s a television with a stack of tapes. Can’t you just imagine drinking an instant coffee and huddling up with your cellmate on the bottom bunk to watch a good film? Shall we see what there is? Maybe one of them has some clues about building a boat.

I can see: one called CARPENTRY, one called SAILMAKING, one called NAVIGATION and one called SEAFARING.

What do you think? Will one of these help us to build a boat?

SFX Click

The CARPENTRY tape has been sawn in half. That won’t work in the tape player.

SFX Click

The SAILMAKING tape is home to a family of weavers. We can’t evict them!

SFX Click

The NAVIGATION tape is just a finger with the words OVER THERE written on the edge.

SFX Click

The SEAFARING tape looks interesting. Oh wait, it doesn’t say SEAFARING. Well it did, but the word has been crossed out. It must have been recorded over. I can’t read what’s been written in its place. Someone didn’t pay attention in handwriting class. Good thing they’re in prison! Why don’t we give it a go?

SFX Tape goes in

Today: Seafaring

ATMOS: Water

If you don’t have a boat, you won’t get far on the ocean. Luckily, in the twenty-first century, demand for renewable transport will be sinking a lot of boats… and boat prices!

SFX Tape is recorded over

Today: Scrutiny

ATMOS: Coventry. A city.

Coventry. The Boyband Capital of Europe!

SFX: Woman walking down the street

This is Alison, a reporter, and lover of Boybands! Alison works for Coventry FM, the most popular radio station in West Coventry.

But Alison… [SFX Yawn] is tired. If you can relate, you might live in Coventry. A sleeping sickness has swept through the chart-topping city. It’s starting to affect the surrounding area. Authorities in Kenilworth, Warwick and even distant Leamington Spa are already erecting cordons.

A cordon is a rope made in Scotland.

Let’s look at the symptoms. [SFX Lots of yawns] All over Coventry, people are waking up exactly one hour earlier than would make a full night’s sleep. That makes them irritated and slow.

This is a big year for Coventry. The city is hoping that its incredible production of Boybands will win it European Capital of Culture 1996. The sleeping sickness could spell disaster! The culture inspectors will never give the city the award if every time a nineteen year old tries to part his hair in the middle he messes it up with a big yawn.

SFX Some guys

Look, here’s a Boyband now, eyes as baggy as their trousers. Give us a tune, boys!

SFX Bad guitar and yawning

Oh dear.

What does that mean for municipally minded reporters like Alison? Could journalism wake up her groggy home?



Alison’s research has taken her to an unobtrusive optician’s in the centre of town.

Or is it?

ATMOS Secret back room - MAYBE A CURTAIN???

While this business peddles glasses in the front, the back room is rather strange. Here, under a sterile white lamp, a very different sort of product is secretly manufactured: productivity.

SFX Explanatory Music

Productivity is one of the core Fairness Principles of the European Union, along with health, education, and access to langoustines. Clearly, it is the aim of the European Union to increase Productivity across all member states, thereby ensuring better access to langoustines.

However, it is no good simply to increase Productivity in one place if that means it dwindles in another. If, for example, a langoustine farm in Granada were to increase production thanks to a canny new human resources director from Killarney while at the same time the Killarney langoustines languished (because the human resources director directed all human resources to Granada), that sudden Spanish langoustine surge would constitute Unfair Productivity. The gap between the two is called the Fairness Deficit because it was first described by the sixteenth century economist Johannes Deficit.

So how do we rebalance the Fairness Deficit? The answer is laughably simple. Here’s a briefcase, laughing. [SFX Briefcase laughing] We take away the human resources’ director’s Spanish phrasebook. Now, unable to communicate with local langoustine farmers, the human resources director can allocate many many workers to the region without fear of them producing langoustines in excess quantities to those produced in Killarney. To borrow a term from science, the phrasebook is a catalyst. [SFX Chemical Reaction] A catalyst is an item that makes things more fair. This catalyst, the phrasebook, is activated by taking it away, and putting it in the Fairness Vault under Amsterdam Schiphol airport which is guarded by former presidents of the European Commission. [SFX Footsteps in armour] Here comes Jacques Delors with a big sword.

SFX Music ends, back to city

In Coventry, the Boyband index is very high. In fact, it’s too high. Coventry farms Boybands in numbers far above the European average. In other words: Unfair Productivity.

SFX Back of the shop

To compensate, a sleeping sickness virus has been released in the back of this optician’s, where it is injected into contact lens fluid. Nobody can write a catchy tune on only seven hours of sleep! The Coventry Boyband Index will fall to levels inline with Fair Productivity. Unfortunately, the hopes of the people of Coventry of winning European Capital of Culture will be dashed. And then they might get upset! It is imperative that they don’t find out about their contact lens fluid and that they blame themselves for not being well rested enough to produce the finest European culture. The title will once again be decided by the entire populations of Paris and Rome doing one massive arm wrestle. [SFX five million people grunting]

What do you think, Alison? Are you going to spoil it for everyone?

She... is.

The journalist takes some notes and heads out of the optician’s, [SFX back to front, then door] where she is greeted by a 10m tall police officer who picks her up and drops her into a nearby prison.

SFX woman being picked up and dropped in a prison

The European Union wouldn’t let a journalist spoil the fun! Not without a little… scrutiny.

SFX Top tip!

Top tip

SFX the bit of tape that’s taped over gives over to the old film

SFX Top tip!

Top tip: Make sure you put your boat in water!

SFX Tape ejects

That was very interesting.

SFX A boat hull crashes through a wall into the main hall

What was that? It was in the main hall.

SFX Click

SFX CD Whirr

It’s… the hull of a boat! It crashed through that wall and onto the back of the train! We’re saved! We’re getting off the island. Isn’t it beautiful? All sleek and blue and green so it hides in the waves. You know what this is, don’t you? It’s a reporter’s schooner, the boat favoured by journalists because it’s a bit, well, underhand. You don’t see it coming!

Hey, look at these. There’s documents all around the floor, and pens, and notebooks, and typewriters and fedora hats. And press credentials. Let’s see.

These names are familiar. Where have I seen them? That’s right! The register of prisoners in the entrance lobby! And what are these documents? Oh, they’re articles that have been torn up. This one says... Why is there a giant baby filled with medical equipment on the island? And this one…Twelve Foods That Aren’t Mashed Potato and this… The human cost of bombing the circus. Ugh… all too complicated for you and me. Shall we get back on the train?


Shall we get back on the train? [same line repeated]


Shall we get back on the train?


Shall we get back on the train?


Let’s get back on the train.

SFX The train pulls off

SFX CD Whirr

ATMOS: The harbour from episode 1

SFX The train pulls in and the boat slides into the water.

We’re back at the harbour. And look, the boat hull slipped into the water! And there’s the gardennequin putting all the pieces together with sticky grass.

SFX Gardennequin track from Industry

Thanks gardennequin!

It’s beautiful.

Before we sail, would you like to save your game? To Save, tap Control, Command, Save.

SFX That.

GUIDE: Would you like to SAVE, start a NEW GAME, LOAD an existing game or QUIT?

SFX Click.

GUIDE: Saving in Slot 1.

SFX Saving. Ding!

GUIDE: Would you like to PLAY ON, LOAD another saved game, or QUIT?

SFX Click + Quit

GUIDE: OK. Goodbye for now. See you back on the island next time you play Quid Pro Euro 96! Quid Pro Euro 96 is a European Videos game.

SFX Quid Pro Euro 96 shuts down. CD-ROM removed.

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