Listen to the Episode
Recording Script
EPISODE 2: HEALTH
SFX A CD-ROM is placed in a CD-ROM drive.
SFX Quid Pro Euro 96 launch music.
GUIDE: Would you like to start a NEW GAME or LOAD an existing game?
SFX Mouse Click.
GUIDE: You have
SFX CD Whirr
GUIDE: ONE.
SFX CD Whirr
GUIDE: Saved games!
SFX Mouse click.
SFX Loading.
ATMOS. Edge of a lake. Waterfall.
GUIDE: You’re quiet, aren't you? That's ok. I like quiet.
But sometimes, it would be nice to have a bit of company.
It's just such a big island.
A big empty place.
It’s easy to feel alone.
Sigh. Dramatic view, eh? If you can call it a view. All that water. Is water a view? I think you need sky for a view. Not just a… a lake with steam coming off it. No sky. Just steam. That can’t be a view. Steam’s not a view! It’s just hot fog. Hot fog is not a view! If there were a rule book for views, rule 1 would be Hot fog is not a view.
You’re very quiet.
What do you want to do?
SFX Mouse Click.
The other side of the lake? How? OH! There’s a rope. Maybe we can use the rope to swing across.
SFX Mouse Click No.
I advise using the rope.
SFX Mouse Click No.
I think the rope is the safest way through the Hot Fog.
SFX Mouse Click No.
Alright. What then?
SFX Mouse Click.
You want to swim in the lake? Are you sure?
SFX Mouse Click Yes.
Swim in the lake.
Under the hot fog.
The lonely hot fog.
Which is not a view.
OK! I’ll take all of my clothes off.
SFX He takes all of his clothes off and gets in the lake.
SFX CD Whirr.
ATMOS. In the lake.
GUIDE: I can’t see anything! It’s the hot fog! I don’t like it. Where are you? Can you find me? To find me, follow my voice.
SFX Mouse Click.
SFX CD Whirr.
GUIDE (further away): That wasn’t right! I can’t see you. Follow my voice to swim toward me.
SFX Mouse Click.
SFX CD Whirr.
GUIDE (same distance): Help! Help! I’m all alone!
SFX Mouse Click.
SFX CD Whirr.
GUIDE (further away): Where are you! The hot fog is closing in!
SFX Mouse Click.
SFX CD Whirr.
GUIDE (same distance): For best results, use 5.1 Dolby surround sound.
SFX Mouse Click.
SFX CD Whirr.
GUIDE (next to you): This is absolutely silly. Maybe even foolish. We’ll never get to the other bank. There’s too much hot fog. Why don’t we go back and use the rope?
SFX Mouse Click no.
GUIDE: Alright. Woah! What’s that? There’s a bird coming toward us. All yellow and… it’s very big. VERY big. Almost… wait... is that a rubber duck?
It is a rubber duck. Oh no. Look. That waterfall at the edge of the lake. The rubber duck. The hot fog. This isn’t a lake. It’s a bath! It must be the baby’s bath. Of course! Oh I regret that we made a hole in its skull.
But do you know what’s at the bottom of a bath? A plug! If we can get the plug out, all the water will drain away and with it the hot fog. Then we can walk to the edge.
What do you think? Is that worth a try?
SFX Mouse Click yes.
GUIDE: OK! We’ll need to dive underwater. Click the water to dive.
SFX Mouse Click.
GUIDE: Let’s dive. Once we’re at the bottom, click the plug to pull it out. [deep breath in]
SFX Dives.
ATMOS. Underwater. It’s pretty still. We go deeper with a
SFX Mouse Click.
ATMOS. Further underwater. Maybe some bubbles. We go deeper with a
SFX Mouse Click.
ATMOS. Bottom of the bath.
SFX Mouse Click.
SFX Plug pulled out.
SFX Water drains
GUIDE: You did it! Incredible! Now let’s- aaaaaaaaaaaaah! [disappearing]
GAME OVER SCREEN
GUIDE: Game Over. You were swept down the plughole. Try again?
SFX Mouse Click yes.
GUIDE: Loading from last check point. Hint: That rope looks pretty interesting.
SFX CD Whirr.
ATMOS. Edge of a lake. Waterfall.
GUIDE: The other side of the lake? How? OH! There’s a rope. Maybe we can use the rope to swing across.
SFX Grudging Mouse Click yes.
GUIDE: Good idea! Let’s swing across on the rope. I just need to loosen it from its mooring… wait, what’s that? The mooring is a rudder! That will be useful for building a boat. And what’s that attached to the top of the rope? Why, it’s a television. Maybe it will play an interesting programme while we swing across. Are you ready?
SFX Mouse Click yes.
GUIDE: Let’s go!
SFX Rope creak.
SFX TV turns on as we swing and...
Today: Eggs.
This is Stephania, a waitress in Heraklion and: an egg.
Well, not quite. But nearly.
[SFX Laboratory]
In 1966, scientists in the European Union selected dozens of newborn babies for a landmark study on isolation. Each infant was sealed in a large calcium shell with holes for the feet. Inside, they were kept upright by a chassis of leather supports and wooden straps. And they were fed by a yolk!
[SFX Cypriot Restaurant Atmos, a 2 metre egg bumps off the tables]
Stephania, who was one of those children, is going to take the order from table 8. She moves by the feel of the vibrations on her shell, pinballing off the tables until she arrives at the right one. You’re very good at that, Stephania!
[SFX Laboratory, egg cracked, man falls out]
The final stage of the study was, after eighteen years, to crack the eggs. However, when the first damp grey eggman tumbled out of his mess of shell, leather and wood died immediately from exposure to people, the study was ended. No more children would be encased in eggshells, by law.
[SFX Restaurant]
Stephania bounces back to the kitchen and passes on the order. However, as she is speaking through thick sealed calcium in a noisy restaurant, nobody hears her. Another member of staff takes the order from Table 8 when she’s out of earshot. Roughly one metre. Stephania doesn’t know that in her eggshell she is completely pointless but she is, at least, happy. We think.
In the 21st century, better housing will be designed for egg people snugly fitting them six at a time.
Top tip: Soft-boiled is a terrible insult. Don’t use it.
ATMOS. Opposite bank.
GUIDE: That was fascinating! And the lake was very easy to cross thanks to the rope. And we got this rudder, one of the most important parts of a boat! You had a good idea there.
You know what. It is a big and empty island! But actually I’m enjoying looking round it on my own! Well on my own with you. But you don’t count. Not now we’re best friends. Come on then, let’s see what’s next! Would you like to save before we go? To save, press Tab, Tab again and for a third time, Tab.
SFX That.
GUIDE: Would you like to SAVE, start a NEW GAME, LOAD an existing game or QUIT?
SFX Click.
GUIDE: Saving in Slot 1.
SFX Saving. Ding!
GUIDE: Would you like to PLAY ON, LOAD another saved game, or QUIT?
SFX Click + Quit
GUIDE: OK. Goodbye for now. See you back on the island next time you play Quid Pro Euro 96! Quid Pro Euro 96 is a European Videos game.
SFX Quid Pro Euro 96 shuts down. CD-ROM removed.